The Shield

Here I am sitting
Inside my solid fortress
Shielded from the world and hidden
From cold, cruel mankind
I am loved

I am chasing my dreams
In my ivory tower
Covered from the harshness of a
Globe that preys on idealistic minds
I am loved

I am eager to slice into these
Preconceived notions
Of what life is to be for someone like me
It is all working fine in theory because
I am loved

No one can hurt me here
Enclosed within these walls
I am free to nurse my soul
And I never want to leave
I am loved

Sometimes I think that I know
Who I am once more and
Who I want to become again
Then I realize that it doesn’t matter
I am loved

In past lives I slayed dragons and
Fought Holy Wars of the mind
My spirit was set ablaze and left for dead
Never to return to its pristine condition
It is dirty and unclean now but
I am loved

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me On Stage Covering The Pixies

How I Became a Renaissance Female

From the time that I was a young lass up to now, I have wanted to be a million different things. The first thing that I wanted to be was a doctor, mainly because my dad said that it would be a good profession with prestige that would make me a lot of money. It didn’t hold my interest as an energetic seven-year old, though, so I had to come up with a new idea.

Next, my interest switched to being a fashion designer. Excited by my career choice as an eight year old, I began to hijack all of the spare socks lying around the apartment so that I could cut them up “innovatively” and place them on my Barbie dolls. I began reading fashion magazines so that I could get a look at the latest styles. That lasted a good three years until I concocted yet another new idea: modeling.

I looked at the women in the magazines and was entranced by the glamour of it all. As an 11-year-old preteen, I was fascinated with how confident that these women were in front of the camera. In my mind, I couldn’t do that – but I was determined to try. My consumption of fashion magazines reached massive levels, and I even found a photographer in my hometown that was willing to do photoshoots with me for free so that I could get practice taking pictures. It was great! Now, all I needed to do was apply to colleges in New York City, get into one, and get my modeling career off the ground while going to school.

At some point during high school (while still holding my dreams of modeling), I also became interested in politics/running for office. I started going to local political meetings and doing fashion shows/pageants so that I could indulge both of my interests. The plan was to major in political science, which I eventually switched to communications, and finally landed on finance – mainly because it’d make a lot of money while giving me important knowledge to use as a politician.

I did not get accepted to any NYC colleges that I applied to, so I ended up having to come to Pittsburgh. I figured I’d ride things out here, find a rock band to join (I love singing/playing guitar) & leave after I was done w/ classes to go to NYC. How wrong I was! I got to work on a couple of campaigns & became disillusioned with politics. I worked in the restaurant industry for about a year because I like cooking, but discovered that I didn’t like it enough to do it as a job. I did a couple of nonprofit service years, and decided that I should probably make money at some point in my life. After a brief stint doing sales of technology (& learning invaluable sales skills along the way), I then decided to learn programming so that I could have a skill that is invaluable to most any employer. I learned by doing a three-month course that taught me a lot in a small amount of time.

If you have made it this far in the article, you have probably seen that my interests have taken me all across the map. It seems entirely chaotic. That’s because it has been. What I have discovered about myself along this journey to find professional happiness, however, is this:

  1. Do not be afraid to try something that you are interested in doing. Even if you don’t succeed, it is better than a lifetime of wondering ‘what if’. And if you do succeed? Just know that your ability to move ahead despite your fear got you to that point.
  2. Every job/profession that you engage in over the course of your life has something to teach you. 
  3. You will be one heck of an interesting person, and you’ll have millions of stories to tell your friends/significant other/children/anyone else, by saying yes to the eternal pursuit of happiness. 
  4. Finding professional success is a lot like dating: you’ll only succeed if you dive in headfirst & keep trying until you find what you are meant to do. And that will happen eventually.
  5. Embrace chaos. Life will never be perfect. There will never be a right time for anything. “Stop trying to find logical answers in an illogical world.”

 

Where do my interests lie these days? Well, I have rediscovered writing, so I’m contributing more to my blog. I am also working on a creative nonfiction book and have several other writing projects that I am doing. I do freelance web development. I have a wonderful boyfriend with whom I am (finally) looking to move out of Pittsburgh next year [when he is done with his licensing exams] so that I can be closer to a stronger fashion industry  and so that he can be closer to a stronger design culture for his profession. My friends are pretty great. I have been through a few dreadful times recently, but am finding my way back from those.

I have accepted that my life will always have some level of chaos, but as long as my relationships with others are strong, I’ll be fine.

Italian Cappuccino

Regaining Creativity

Have you ever sat down to write a story, and could not find the words to convey what it is that you would like to say? That is me, right now, right this instant. That is me most of the time when I set out to write. That is why I generally find it difficult to write every day, as I would like to do. Perhaps I have recently had a breakthrough into solving this problem, however.

Yesterday, I was sitting outside at a local coffee shop with my significant other while he worked on lyrics to a song that he is writing. I threw back my head and began to stare deeply into the sky. Who knows what I wanted to happen – except for an idea to land on my shoulder and enter my mind so that I could begin writing (which I eventually followed through with an idea; it can be found here). As I quickly scanned the crowd of people that had joined us outside, I began to get desperate. I craved a written release, but it felt like I was mentally constricted.

But then, I was rescued. My rescuer came in the form of a brief musing on one of my idols, Kurt Cobain. I thought about how many things that he created over the course of his life seemed nonsensical and entirely random – but somehow, it all came together into beautiful works of written art. I pondered, “What was his secret?” Then it hit me: when Kurt created, he allowed words to simply flow onto the page without filtering them. He did not care about what others thought. He had no high regard for perfection. He was simply a sensitive soul that had a strong desire to create.

I thought to myself, “Well, I’m also a sensitive soul that has a strong desire to create. What am I doing wrong?” So, I began to write. I went with the first idea that came to mind. At first, the words were difficult to coax out of my pen onto the paper, but words began flowing with ease as I continued. I came up with a great piece, and am proud of having overcome that obstacle of being blocked from expression. My filter was torn down. My flow of creativity had opened again.

When I ran into the same issue today, I told myself to sit down and let words tumble out. Eventually it would all come together into a crystallized idea. After all, I am a writer. To be a writer requires that I write instead of thinking about it.

Talk soon,
Liberty ❤

Picnic

They lie down upon the grass
Smiling up at the cloudless sky
Staring into the abyss of each’s being
Basking in the wonder of existence
Dreaming of many tomorrows
Captured by the enduring inclination
To recreate moments in time

They satisfy their hunger by
Consuming fruit, wine, & decadence
Feeling the never-ending cycle of endings
But not them
They would not be like the others
They would be unlike the world
They would float atop the breeze

They hear pretty words, and then those stop
They see souls perched on clouds, and then those fall
They smell pheromones that quickly burn out
They taste success, and feel what is yet to come
And nothing is left, but to embrace inconstancy
And to hold fast to those
Sweet moments in time

The Woman That Men Love

I’m the woman that men love
To have by their side when
They want to have a good time

I’m the woman that men love
To have in their beds when
They want someone to hold them tight

I’m the woman that men love
To have on their arms when
They want a pretty face to show off

I’m the woman that men love
To call on their phones when
They want to laugh at the craziness of life

I’m the woman that men love
To have in their homes when
They want to be loved deeply

I’m the woman that men love
To place on their shelves when
They want to.

He Is Poetry

A gaze into your eyes is like
Staring into a deep, inviting abyss
One that I love to get lost in
And one that I frequently do

Your eyes expose me
They undress my soul – it is laid bare
For everyone to see
But the only ones that do are
Just the two of us

Your penetrating stare burns
A hole through my sadness, my tears,
My worries and fears – until
They all disintegrate
And all disappear

Under the guise of your eyes,
My knees lose all power – but
My heart gains fortitude
It knows what cannot be put into words,

That you have taken hold of my soul
And that I have agreed to let you have it.

Everything Is Matter – Nothing Matters

How paralyzing must it be to feel that
One wants to Have It All, while also
Wanting no part in anything?
How does one reconcile the
Feeling of wanting to both Fall Away and
Become One with all of creation?

How hopeless must it be to see that
Nothing Means Anything and
Everything Means Nothing, but realizing that
You create your meaning in all, and nothing makes sense,
But you crave in the depths of your being an answer to the question:
“What does this all mean? What is the point? Why do we all exist?”

You know Everything. You know Nothing. Stop trying to find
logical answers in an illogical world. You will drive yourself mad. Maybe
you are already mad. How do we go on? How do we continue? If we don’t, what of it? If
we were gone tomorrow, would it matter?

Why does it matter if we matter? Why can’t we simply exist? Why is our sheer existence not enough? Why do we need to impress others? Do others even care about us? Do others even care about themselves? Do we even care anymore about
anyone or anything? Do we matter? Are we Significant? If we are, to whom?

You are Everything. You are Nothing. Stop trying to find logical answers in an illogical world.